I am not happy anymore

When I met you in April 2017, I never would have thought that we will be together, because, you were not really my type. We became really good friends though, and I got to know a lot about you. You were really kind, and you still are. We always send messages to each other via messenger. 

In Oct 2017, we asked each other out. But it's not all happy,  you have to go to a far away place to work. 

At first, it was really easy in a sense that, I still feel intense love for you. I was even nervous when I fetched you at the airport in Jan 2019 for your one month vacation. I missed you so much back then. 

After a month of vacation, you went back for work again. At first, everything was emotional, because it is really hard to be so far away from someone you love. 

My feelings for you are slowly fading. I am not as excited to talk to you. I was not even excited to see you in the airport. But when we met again in Jan 2020, all the feelings drowned me again. When you held my hand, I realized that I still love you. 

Again, after a month of vacation, you went back again for work. And I have to say, I am not as emotional. My love for your is slowly fading away again. Sometimes, I question myself why I'm feeling this way, because deep down, I still love you, but, I am not happy anymore. And communicating with you feels like an obligation already. 

It's hard for me to feel this way too. But I can't muster the courage to tell you how I really feel. I feel so sad, and I feel like this relationship is not going to work anymore. Everytime you ask me "Don't you miss me?", I would always feel irritated, because I don't know how to answer your question. And the truth is, I don't anymore. 

I really wanted to tell you that I don't want to continue this relationship. It's not that I don't like you, it's just because I don't feel happy around you anymore. It feels heavy to be with you. I wanted to be free. 

But I again, I am writing this on a blog and not telling you. I am such a coward. 

-April 5, 2021